I Finally Know What I Want to Be When I Grow Up (I Think), And It Makes Me Sad

Thinking about the biggest decision I’ll make in my entire life is killing me, which is why I wrote this article.

I’m not usually one to remain sad for any length of time, but this semester was an exception. Prior to January, I still felt like a child. Sure, I had bills to pay and a place of my own, but I still had the “world is my oyster” mindset. This semester, however, I painted myself into a corner.

Now I realize what is meant by that oyster phrase. The world may be your oyster, but in order to become a pearl, you have to shut yourself in it. In other words, you have to make a decision to become, as Zig Ziglar calls it, a “meaningful specific” – something I’ve never had to be. The closest I’ve ever come to making a specific decision is crossing fine arts and the majority of athletics off the list. (Though I am still pretty sure I could be an abstract artist or kicker if MTV had a three-year version of MADE.)

I’ve demonstrated some potential in nearly everything I have ever done, and it has been more of a curse than a blessing. In the same vein, I’ve never really been great at anything. All I can do is become slightly above average very quickly, at which point I lose interest for fear that I’ll have to give up something else to get better.

My best friends are different from me. One friend of mine was born to be an engineer. From the first time I met him many years ago, there was no doubt in my mind that engineering was his chosen path. Another friend of mine, though he has other abilities as well, knew for some reason that he was destined to be a physician. He is still working toward his goal. My last friend is going to be an attorney. He may have never really considered becoming an attorney until recently, but he possesses something in spades of which I have little – a hearty appreciation of definitive choices.

I can’t help but think that, even apart from my friends, I am the anomaly. Four years ago, when I was still a music major, all of my professors and some of my colleagues continually trumpeted their undying love of music. I loved music as well, but I realized that if I wanted to do it as a career, and make a meaningful contribution, then I’d have to give up almost everything else. This scared me to death, so I changed my major. (Looking back on it, all I did was defer making a decision to a later date – thanks 18 year old me, I appreciate it.)

Fast-forward four years, and I am in a similar, though worse, situation. I’m almost 23 years old, have more than enough credit hours to have already graduated, and don’t want to do anything remotely related to any degree with which I may graduate.

To be candid, I should be ashamed of myself for not simply taking advantage of my opportunities, making a decision, and living the white picket-fence life. Billions have been miserable before me, so why shouldn’t I be content making thousands of dollars a month, doing whatever it may be, and living comfortably? I could do it! All I would have to do is make a decision, once and for all, and pursue it.

What’s baffling is that I wouldn’t even have to pursue it with vigor! I could pursue, for example, a career as a college professor. I could suck and still get by. But this is where the most important part of this decision comes in, and is precisely why I never made a decision before.

Until recently, I did not feel that I had found how to make the greatest contribution. Now that I believe I finally have, I wish that I felt peace instead of depression.