6 Irritating Comments I’ve Received From Professors and Staff

Let me make one thing clear – I hate those who let three pieces of paper on their wall imbue them with arrogance and rudeness. (Some of these might not make perfect sense out of context, but I have to keep these people anonymous.)

1. I went to school for 7 more years after college, so I know everything.

“I say and do what I do in class with the benefit of fifteen years of experience and feedback as well as my PhD but I do always appreciate the insight of a student who has a high school diploma taking me to task on classroom etiquette and decorum.”

That’s right folks; you may be an adult, but don’t open your mouth! This was in response to me saying:

“I don’t even know his first name, but I couldn’t help but pity [anonymous] today when he came into class today. [At least he showed up, unlike some of the other presenters.] Further, he told the truth. I realize you have already covered his topic, but perhaps he could have a chance to do his presentation this Thursday?

The idea to speak to you concerning this came to me while reading The Merchant of Venice…

The quality of mercy is not strained.
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
175 Upon the place beneath. It is twice blessed:
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.
‘Tis mightiest in the mightiest. It becomes
The thronèd monarch better than his crown.
His scepter shows the force of temporal power,
180 The attribute to awe and majesty
Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings,
But mercy is above this sceptered sway.
It is enthronèd in the hearts of kings.
It is an attribute to God himself.

Just a thought…blame it on Bill.”

Yes, I know that using Shakespeare is hokey, but it was the truth.

In the ‘real world’, I’ll stand up for my colleagues – whatever the consequence. In my classes, my fellow students are my colleagues, and I’ll stand up for them, too. Period.

2. In the real world, nobody communicates when doing research. Nobody bounces ideas off of experts. Everybody goes into a cave and works by candlelight for a decade until they finally finish.

“Solid preliminary research always triumphs over glib appeals for aid.”

Wow, what a fucking philosopher. And yes, I got Tom Cruised. And you know what? I have always found glib appeals for aid to be more effective than wild goose chases.

3. I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING AbOUT TECHNOLOGY.

Me – “Any way you could take me off the SOC/POLI SCI mailing lists? My major is essentially history, I just haven’t filled out the paperwork yet.”

Professor – “I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THE LSIT”

I still get messages from the sociology department to this day. Ha!

4. Our job is not to do our job! What were you thinking? You should be ashamed for making us work. It’s your fault that we didn’t fulfill our obligations. We only make thousands of dollars a month; what do you think we are, machines?

Me – “The main purpose of that question is solving the root of my problem.

Had people just signed my…forms and let me carry on about my business then I never would’ve e-mailed the governor or the 50 other people I got in touch with. Do I need to go to each department again and try to get signatures? I had no luck with this on my first two attempts…

Can advisors be assigned to me without going through all the red tape? [These] are my concerns, I’m sorry I wasn’t very specific at first.”

Professor Emeritus – “You seem to believe someone else is always the cause of your problems. I have not found that to be so for anyone else.”

What a prick. On the contrary, I KNOW somebody else was the cause of this set of particular problems. (It infuriated me to be lopped in with typical irresponsible individuals.) What’s worse is that all I was trying to do was add another major. Stay with the herd and go with the flow or people bare their fangs. I’m glad this bastard retired.

5. Let me see…you are honestly assessing your current situation and need my help in planning to do the one thing that I do best. This assignment isn’t due for several months, but you clearly are far behind, indeed. I’m an expert in my field, but I think I’ll patronize you instead of making use of my expertise.

Let me see… “I’m willing to do what needs to be done’ and ‘I haven’t done any research yet’ are two phrases, when uttered in the same paragraph, that do not appeal to my helpful side.”

Dumping your shit-reeking comments like this in my inbox do not appeal to my academic side. You are a PROFESSOR, not Rhadamanthus at the gates of hell.

6. How DARE you claim to be capable of urination. You were not in my esteemed presence, so I cannot evaluate the validity of your assertion.

“I received your transcription, but unfortunately, I can’t evaluate it since it wasn’t done in my presence.”

This is probably my most immature dig, but…Bitch!!!