Try and follow me on this one. Your goal this week is to work very hard so that by Saturday night you are ready for a much-needed break. As opposed to an evening of thoughtful discussion or a pleasant late-night dinner with the family, you decide that a much better way to spend your weekend is at a nightclub.

The goal? Imbibe so much expensive poison that your body doesn’t realize how bad a time you are having. Your secondary goal is to engage in hours of inaudible conversation. It’s important to blame this inability to hear on how good the bass is.

I’ve been to a club about 5 experimental times in my life. Each time I’ve gone I’ve had nothing but shallow conversation and a few expensive drinks.

Who came up with this idea? I keep running the idea through my head, but the “Oh, this is fun!” realization I might have for other activities never appears. In an effort to empathize, I have come up with the following reasons somebody might go to a nightclub:

  • They are single. They want to meet somebody to take home that night.
  • They love to dance. I guess the best time to dance is when you should be sleeping. They love to go to a loud place that doesn’t have enough room to move and try to dance.
  • They love dressing up and showing off. If your need for affirmation is so bad that you need the approval of strangers, you might have some self-esteem issues.
  • ?????


Nightclubs are stupid wastes of money and time. Can’t all of this be accomplished elsewhere? Is this beyond a human being’s capacity for reason? Please enlighten me, because I cannot figure it out.
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